Food Log:
7:30 am: 1 cutie with green tea 40 cals
2:00 pm: 8" flour tortilla with 1/3cup cheese and water 271 cals
6:30 pm: cheeseburger and fries 1,130
7:00 pm: cake 185 cals
9:00 pm: 3oz. ginger ale 35 cals
After my lunch I didnt plan on eating anymore, but my mom asked me to dinner. Of course when I was there I ordered a cheeseburger with fries. I figured since I was actually out I might as well order something good. I only ate half at the restaraunt. Then a friend invited us over for cake and was insistent that I eat a piece. Since I had already eaten so much, I finished off my burger and fries, then immediately purged it up. I got a lot of it out, but I know there is still a good amount left. I sipped on 3 oz of ginger ale after because I have a cold, and after I purged I was feeling really dizzy.

I felt so proud of myself this morning, but eating out has been so difficult. I feel like people look at me weird when I eat a side order of something. I had been doing so well these last few days, but today I lost it. I have been eating under 600 cals every day, and it makes me feel like I am finally doing something right.

I am not going to add all that up because I know it will hurt. 

Getting Back Into It
I want to get back into posting on here. I have gone through a lot since my last posts. I have started eating a good amount again and stopped cutting. I have been learning to cope with bipolar disorder, and somehow managed to get on my feet. I got out of the toxic home environment and moved into an apartment with my two friends. I am back in school and working full time. I am also learning how to deal with the depression, instead of letting it feed off itself. My medications have really been saving me through the tough times though. Now that we are getting into fall, I know I will be getting more and more depressed, and my doctor has increased my meds to help balance me out. I think I'm going to make it this year. I'm ready to fight. 

been a while
Havent logged here in a while. things just kinda went crazy. Hard times with my dad being in town...not good.
Anyways I have been eating >600 a day (more than i want to but its the darn family dinners that get me) but i work off ever sing calorie at the gym and even try to do more. So yesterday i had pasta (80) with sauce (100) and bread (200) for dinner. Salad (130) for lunch and snacked on a little bit of candy (120) so fat. so all in all i ate 630 which is A LOT but burned off 750 calories off at the gym. not heloing on the scale though. i need to work harder. Today I am workin on popcorn and hot chocolate for the morning, i need something for work....i might just make an egg instead though. i need to only eat negative calorie food from now going crazy from eating food.

(no subject)
game plan failed me. finished the apple yesterday. it was small so it couldnt have been more than 60 cals. my friend had all my favorites at her house. it was the worst. i ate some chips (210 cals) and had one of her moms homemade oatmeal raisin cookies (75) it was sooooo good. ugh why does food have to taste so amazing. took two diet pills and two fiber pills throughout the day. drank lots of cold water.
i should have never eaten the first bite when i was over. that was my big mistake. i should have chugged a glass of water and skipped the food. next time i will know better. before i headed over i should have downed water until i felt sick. or even brought a diet coke over with me to help curve the hunger.
still lost .4 of a pound. im sad im not less on the scale though.
im so hungry right now. it feels like my stomach is eating itself! i think celery will cure it.
later today im thinking of walking over to my favorite deli for a turkey wrap: mustard, lettuce, tomato, pickle, sprouts allowed. no mayo, no cheese. turkey for protein. and only eat max of half of it. it would be a walk of 2.4 miles and its incredible hot here. not sure if thats a good idea though.
havent had anything today yet. i just woke up an hour ago though. i was up til 5:30 in the morn and didnt sleep the night before
just ever so hungry though :(
zero cal foods to the rescue

(no subject)
reached my first goal weight today! but only lost a pound :( i need to work harder. time to work for the next goal weight.
yesterday i ate :( i had some dinner (about 200 cals) and some watermelon which is on the list of negative calorie foods but still about 50 cals for my journals sake. according to the det i could have 400 cals so idk. im torn between thoughts.
today i cut up a small apple into 12 pieces and am eating it throughout the day. so far had 4 slices. that was breakfast/lunch. drinking lots of cold water.
i want a smoke but i know it only temporarily curves hunger and i will be hungrier later. i am going to my friends place for a movie in a few hours. not sure how to avoid food.
i get 100 calories today. game plan: no more apple today (it is on the list of negative calorie foods though) and a few bites at my friends house. not sure what they will have but try to only eat veggies and fruit. i will drink tons of water. hopefully they are satisfied if i take a couple bites. keeps up appearances too. after all, never eat alone, have to prove you are actually eating.
I am trying to only eat negative calorie foods for when i have to eat. they seem to help keep my metabolism up. 
 List i found:

Negative Calorie Vegetables

Beet Root

Hot Chili
Garden cress
Green Beans


Negative Calorie Fruits




(no subject)
only lost 1.8 pounds, so just one more pound away from my first goal weight.
yesterday i had iced coffee with splenda, no cream, diet ginger ale and two bites of dinner :/
i am so pissed for not losing more. ugh im such a failure. going to fast today, hopefully more comes off by tomorrows weighing.
celery seems to work, so if my mom forces me to eat i will munch on that. its 0 cals so i feel less guilty about it. i need more diet pills too. im running low. i also only took one yesterday, so today i need to make sure i take more.
i go back to work friday. school starts next monday. and i have therapy the same day. so stressed out.
after todays weighing im just upset with myself. kinda put me in a sad mood. hopefully todays fast helps with tomorrow

(no subject)
yesterday: chocolate 125 cals. wrap: 200. bite of chinese: 25. celery: 0.
total: 350 :)
for lunch i made a plate of chinese food but realised after a bite that i didnt need it. so i threw it away. i was proud about that. insteead i ate celery and draank waterr like crazy. im down 2.6 pounds down since yesterday. lowest i have been in forever! and only 2.8 pounds away from my first goal weight!
i am so happy about that.
today: allowed 300 cals
drank iced coffee with 1/2 a packet of splenda and added cinnamin (good for digestion)
eaten nothing, weekends are the hardest though. my mother is always around. she panics if i dont eat :/
but i refuse to. i starve for perfection.

(no subject)
yesterday ate 420 calories. drank my weight in waterr. and didnt purge once.
today's goal 410 calories or less and 30 minutes of exercise
I am down a 2.8 pounds since i weighed myself last night - i couldnt in the morning so I know the results aren't accurate.
so far I have eaten 90 calories. trying so hard not to go eat. I'm not even hungry.
just 5 more pounds before i make my first GW.
Yesterday i was at my friends house. there were three of us. i ate the least amount of food - only 150 calories! i kept control. then we made snowcones - i avoided syrup. just put at max a tbsp on which i extimated to be 40 calories cuz therre really wasn't much. then dinner was hard. i had a turkey wrap and devoured 230 calories....ugh such failure. but i didnt eat the other half and i didnt eat the chocolate cake. or the ice cream. or the pizza and chinese food in the fridge. so i am kinda proud of that. but still....230 calories in 30 seconds. ugh
today: 1 chocolate (its my special time of the month, i was going crazy) but i only ate one. the rest of the box of truffles is still there. so that is a success!
i just have to get through tonight. plan: finish 1/2 of what is left of the wrap for dinner so mom thinks i am eating. every time i think of eating drink a glass of water and do 50 crunches. please let me get through the night!

(no subject)
i feel so alone and empty. sure i am still breathing but nothing really fills the hole or ends the sorrow. i feel so stupid and prissy and pathetic for all these things. i hate food with a passion. food has calories and calories are the worst part of life. i try so hard not to eat but after a few days it is difficult not to. fml.
im going crazy here. why is it so difficult to not feel lonely. no one wants to respond to me. my friends are busy. so i just sit in my room all day and do nothing. so pathetic.

(no subject)
Sigh. Today I went to the outlets with my mom and close friend. It was fun....i think. Its still hard to tell if something is fun. I ate half of a sandwich, a bite of pizza, and a few fries today. I believe I had under 1,000 calories today. I feel sick to my stomach. I almost threw up just thinking about how much I ate today. Why am I so gross!
Suicide is still an option. I really feel like I don't deserve to live. I am so miserable so what is the point. People can rationalize it all they want, but I still have my opinions.
I haven't been sleeping. It gets very boring and very lonely when you are up all night with nothing to do except fester in my own thoughts. I don't really know what to do. Life just kinda sucks.


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